Heartbreak

The other day I got dumped. Well, to be fair, I don't think the relationship ever really started. But the other day is when I had to just kind of let go of pursuing this man that never really wanted me. I finally came to terms with that ‘he just wasn’t that into me.’

I was heartbroken.

I built up so much about what this potential relationship could be like. In the beginning, it was so easy and so natural to be with this guy. I felt that it was just so easy to be myself with this guy. And I was so hopeful of this potential new relationship and where it could go.

But when it didn’t go the way that I hoped that it would go, well my heart was crushed.

I so badly wanted it to be something. For us to be something.

But when the realization came that it wouldn’t be, heartbreak came crashing down on me. My first instinct was to run away and hide from it.

Heartbreak is hard to feel and I certainly did not want to feel it. My brain especially was telling me not to feel it.

It kept telling me that I should be stronger. That this was just a quick fling, so why should I care? I should just be like all the thousands of other women who get their heartbroken and move on. I felt that I should be strong. As a feminist, I should feel empowered and just move on easily from someone who clearly didn’t give a fuck about me. I mean you see a strong woman like these on TV who just moves on quickly to the next dude and doesn’t give it a second thought. I felt that should be me.

But while my brain was telling me not to feel it, my body so badly wanted to feel all of it.

My body wanted to feel every ounce of it. She so badly wanted to just sit on the floor and cry the heartbreak of this man, but also of all of the previous relationships that have never worked out.

It took a lot to bypass my brain, but I surrendered to this feeling of heartbreak. I surrendered to my body and what it wanted. I wept and I wept and I wept. I felt all of the pain of the loss of this potential relationship and all the ones that came before it. I felt the loneliness that I feel as a single woman in this society. I felt the loneliness that I feel being alone in this pandemic. And most of all I felt the loneliness of just not having my person that I can call when I felt like it.

It was hard. It was very hard to feel. I won’t lie. Especially when coming from a childhood where I was taught to suppress my emotions.

But you know what? I made it through to the other side. Once I was done weeping, well, I actually felt a lot better. I felt that I made it through the dark tunnel onto the other side (at least for now). And in some sense, it felt kind of good to just feel.

Sometimes, I think we are stronger than we can ever know. Sometimes, I think that experiences show up to show us that we are more courageous than we can ever think.

This particular experience reminded me that I have emotional resilience. That these hard feelings will come and go. And I am strong enough to feel them. And I will always come out on the other side of it.

*These are articles are meant to be part of a personal blog/journal series. So there will be little editing involved in order to not alter the experience.